I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
