im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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