That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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