I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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