wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
