My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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