all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
