Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
