I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
