She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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