can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
