good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
