a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
