You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
