Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize