he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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