Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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