wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just high enough for therapy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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