walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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