Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize