Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
