i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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