The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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