I could have mohawked her pubes.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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