I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize