I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize