he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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