There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
