o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
