You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
