I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
farters have to be the big spoon...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
