So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
