The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
