your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
