some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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