My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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