i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
