Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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