i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
