Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
