in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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