my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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