Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
