Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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