I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
