A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
