My underwear smells like fireworks.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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