In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
