He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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