I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I enjoy the company of your penis
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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