everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
