Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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