I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
