There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize