You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
