i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
