May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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